Being tolerable can only go so far. . (help)

Ughh  . . another endless rant.


How many times in my life am I  antagonized for him to feel good about himself for his own insecurities(Answer is ALOT). Like hooooly. Yes , I know I am not perfect. I get that. I do admit I'm wrong and I apologize. However , once I let my guard down to apologize. . . Don't start adding all this bs crap that was not even my fault but just needed  to add extra shitt so you can have a finger to point at.

For pete's sakes , how tolerable do you think I am? For my past year you've done nothing as I have done so much for you. Sure pay the fucking bills , but understand that you don't pay the majority of it which doesn't give you the right to say because you have bills to do, that you can't even write a simple card on office paper. Like wth. Every Christmas and on his birthdays I've given him gifts ranging from prices. Some times I can afford big sometimes small . . but regardless it was something and ofc thought was placed in it. Understanding that I never received even a penny from him or just a simple card OR WHATEVER. To me w/e  . . I'm tolerable I get it . . but to an extent. . . (Also can I add how many meetups with old friends and gangs with school I could of hung out with but didn't? Because , he didn't want to drive for a few minutes whether sunny, rainy , snowy . .  How many opportunity I missed because of him? I'll write that in another post) 

Yes , I am a bottle and blast person I keep it in and hold my emotions til I get the right time to go into a catharsis. Great job , my brother pushed me again for shit. We yelled and argued. Him wanting to address what my problem is with him. Honestly I said it all . . everything. How its not fair that you can judge me for almost everything that breaks around your area of appliances. Why can't you just assume guilty unless proven? Like wth. .  I even fucking apologized. .  .Lmao then he said he apologized and hoped to be forgiven. Fuck no I ain't. 

These problems with him and I are habitual. I'm sick of it , no more "yes yell at me more shizz" and time for a stand. The more I allow him to understand that the problem is gone quicker since forgiving is ever so easy in his eyes to me, the more he'll just assume its me when something goes wrong.( Oh btw , he might be thinking i'm typing this to all my friends right now how he's a jerk off, since he understands I'm a social butterfly. But really , that's not my style. .  .I like to write as an outlet and here I am writing how I feel and its calming my nerves. Though he probably is telling his friends in spite of me looking like I am trying to type to every friend I can find)
But anyways . . 

As we were yelling these notes hit me. When I addressed that I was angry that he yelled at me for (reasons above) but fixed/solved them later on. I was like wth in my head.  WAIT so you just scolded me for doing something that could be fixed? HELLO MEGAN ,learn to fucking compose yourself and your god dam emotions. I get it you're in the heat of the moment but think next time think  . . . can it be fixed? Is yelling really going to make this problem be fixed? 

My god . . what I do just to hit him in the face like in those anime's. *ANIME SLAP TO THE CHEEK* ^0^ lol . .  .

I feel better . . 

Bye bye guys~!

Working with Partners ( School)

Hey guys ,


Today is another entry on school related stuff. Ughh . . where to start .


So were given this assignment by our teacher. That we need to be paired in groups and create a lesson for our class. Sure , I was down doing it alone but cause our teacher is ever so vigilant in keeping us included and not introverted. She insisted we have groups.  Fuck me. These kids come to me and ask me if I want to be in a group. Me being so iffy , I answered yes.

Now . .

Because we have the weekend off to do w/e I assumed they would do some shit. As we equally made parts for everyone to do. But you know what happened? No shit was done except for my part. So here I am late at night (2am) working my ass off. To help do their parts. Fuck me right? I legit gave several emails and text mssges. Asking to fucking do some shit or i'm kicking you out of the group. Honestly , if you don't want to do work fine simple I'll kick you out. OR snitch that you didnt do shit and hope you get a 0% .>.>

w/e I just gave a huge vent to my teacher explaining my situation and hopefully something gets done. I'M PRAYING something does.

#end rant.

bye guys. :[ wish me luck.

Valentines Day / Looking past the cover --> liking a friend?

Hey guys , 

As valentines day is coming. I'm starting to feel the need to grab a tub of ice cream and start to watch sitcoms on my sofa til the day is done. While me feeling miserable how everyone I particularly know of is loved by another half. Kinda sucks =/ . However I'm starting to have these feelings for a friend. A really good friend. Though the friend is a complete douche bag, takes jokes way to far. I just can't help but to hate but like. . . is that awkward? I don't know maybe I can just see more then what meets the eye you know?

You know that friend right? The friend that's a complete jerk-off to everyone but somehow when you're alone. Spending time with them its just a complete different person? Now wen you hear the gossip and rumors about this friend. How people go on saying "how their a douche, their mean" etc but actually if you got to know them on a 1 to 1 basis and actually open and give a chance. In your own head you're like "He/She is not like that , they do that to cover up whats truly inside them" As for myself , i'm the BIGGEST hopeless romantic out there. So having these wallflowers in my life is like checkmarks on my hopeless romantic list.  . . 

Anyways here goes the feelings I noticed when I actually started to have feelings and like this person .  As time is passing, people start saying these things about him/her straight at my face. "You know he/she is like a *insert negative comment* right? " . While everyone head nods. I blatantly start defending the person. At this moment my eyes widen. My face is starting to feel hot. I run to the bathroom and start to compose myself what just happened. After school ended, I went on the bus and just pondered the thought still. Did I just defend someone who's known to be a douchbag? But really in the inside he/she isn't.  . . I tell my close friend this. Now I know some of you may ask that this friend could also know the persons rep but they don't go to my school so its a good choice as a mediator right 8D .  After hours of talking ....
My friend just answers " maybe you're in love" O.O . I started to feel flushed , my heart started to pound and I just typed "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO IT CAN'T BE" . I know I tried to deny it. But I couldn't. I can even understand for myself that defending that person was a spark that I actually had something for he/she. 

Now I'm confused. . . As Valentine is approaching I have a plan. Make some chocolates for him/her and my friends. So its not all that awkward  Put a letter for each one so its not that obvious who I'm actually trying to write too. Make it seem very vague that I have feelings for him/her but not to out there for them to decode and understand where I'm trying to get at and hopefully this will all work with my hopeless romantic mind set. Which brings me to what to expect and do to further tie my relation with them. 


So my question is guys HAVE ANY TIPS? I want to let them know how I feel but not in a strong at your face way. Something with class and that they'll grow to like me. . . As well what are you guys going to do for valentines day? Any plans? 

Bye bye~!

Happy Early Valentines to all you guys!

Writing Personal

Hey guys ,

How are ya'll doing? I'll probably edit this post some time later. However , I just feel like I need to address my opinion. As writing is my outlet ,I really don't mind if you guys do skip this post because it really isn't interesting.

 As my new semester sets in , the assignments given were very interpersonal. I felt suffocated that I had to write about my life. Showing a side I don't like to show since its not the brightest and happiest thing I own to my memory with them. Anyways . . what got me thinking was that when I started to write about bits and pieces of life. I could see the trend of bad memories starting to pile and grow. In the end the write up ended with more bads than good. When I saw this , I scrapped the sheet and threw it in the garbage. 
After eating my dinner, taking a shower , doing homework. I finally went to bed. Looking at the window outside seeing a white blanket covering every corner it can find. I walk back into bed and looked up at my ceiling. Thinking, about that list I wrote.  I don't know why or how ,maybe because the room was dark and calm. I could finally think for one second, I smiled. I was like "heyy la maybe my life isn't so bad". I said this because I began to realize that all these memories helped me grow and pave who I am today. I still truly do wonder if I actually didn't have these obstacles in my life. Would I become those heartless rich spoiled kids? Hmmmm... who knows.

All I know for sure is that if we didn't have bad endings in our lives, how would we be able to feel the good ones? Right??? :)) and be who we are today because of them.


That's pretty much what I have to say ,to let off some steam in my head.

Bye bye~! 

New Semester ( baby steps)

Hey guys ,

Today my school started the new semester. That means new classes , students and teachers. Wow.This change is huuuuuugee and its as if my previous semester did not mean a thing and was just something to look back in the past. Though , having the chance to experience new things in my previous semester that I wouldn't have known for myself if I haven't took those courses. IMO , I believe that if I hand't took these courses it would not make me as of today. I wish I had the guts to say thank you to all my teachers and shower them with some kind of gratitude. But knowing me, I wimped out and just left with a good bye and take care Mr./Mrs Blank. 


Moving on . . 

Starting the new semester was quite hectic. Reason why is the classes I have seem pretty intimidating -- actually scratch intimidating more like really intimidating. The course  I had , has majority of seniors and only a few juniors ( me being a junior) I felt like I really needed to up my game. Showing to them that just because i'm a junior you shouldn't feel inferior to me. Well thats what i'm thinking . . because some people I know that are of seniors have this high built " i'm too cool for school and anyone younger sucks" rep that kind of auras off into me. Thinking I must put on my A game. Hopefully I do survive this course and just quietly move on and get the mark I want and leave. 

Another particular problem I need to address is Phys.Ed . . oh boy. Having one empty course that needed to be placed in. Guidance counselors had to book me in Phys.Ed.. - Trust me i'm not the greatest in sports and I know I will do horrible when it comes to eye to eye coordination. WHYYY MEEEE . Ughh this whole week will be fitness day and for sure I know i'm going to be the weakest xP cause all I do is laze around and eat. Poop me. . Hopefully I make it alive and will write more about it near the end of the course.

Though I do know I may not do well , I will always make do whats given. Hopefully I can make do with this situation .. persevere and try to do my best. Hehehe :)) knowing I'm going to probably be picked last again in gym class like when I was a small kid. Whatever . . . right? Hopefully what gets to you to or anyone that is reading this. Is that if things are looking ever so hard , take baby steps. I know for me when I face something hard and needed to pass. Slowly pave a path for you in order to pass, yes , sure it may be long but effort doesn't betray you. If you know you're making progress with what your doing even if its as small , feel good about it because what small things you do overtime will increasingly amount to something bigger. 

Stay fresh guys,hwaiting~!

Bye bye!!